farters have to be the big spoon...
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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