If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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