I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I can't put those talents on a resume
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
