Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
