She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
you will always have a special place in my vag
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
