he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize