At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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