This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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