I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
