I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
