god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
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