If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
