Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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