Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
