I hate your face
She tied me up with her honor cords...
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
