Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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