so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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