i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
