why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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