if i can run in heels then i can drive
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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