Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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