I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
