i already hear my dad disowning me
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
