There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
