Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
