I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
