he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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