Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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