Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
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