Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
