I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
