Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
