I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize