I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
