and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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