Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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