Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize