I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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