He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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