You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
