We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
