So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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