is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
