Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
