apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Randomize
