yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
