How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
