I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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