jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
