this boner is exhausting
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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