I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You are the jesus of drinking
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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