What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize