There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
