the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
