no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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