The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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