yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize