omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
