BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
