Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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