I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
