areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
